Feeling helpless about your kids’ social media? Try these things.

Issue #88

There’s been a lot of unsettling news about kids and social media lately. It seems like every week, there’s another article about the potential dangers of this kind of screen time and the negative ways these platforms affect the adolescent brain. Whether it’s the Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, raising alarms about social media and youth mental health, or the alarming allegations coming to light in the latest lawsuit against Meta, it feels like it’s a scary time to have kids who have devices.

If you’re a parent, you’re probably not surprised by anything you’re reading in the news. You probably already had an inkling that social media was not all that great for your kids. It’s hard to imagine that scrolling TikTok or Instagram for hours is good for anyone, let alone a kid who’s still trying to figure out who they are. So yes, it’s been a lot of what we already know: social media can be toxic for some kids, and it might be a contributing factor in the decline in youth mental health.

But we’ve seen a conspicuous lack of real, helpful advice for parents. So kids are using platforms designed to capture their attention at all costs and exploit their brain chemistry. They’re using platforms with powerful algorithms that serve them divisive, damaging content. And parents are still left to face this problem on their own.

In a perfect world, these platforms would step up and make changes. They would take responsibility for the way they design their products and they would start making decisions with children’s wellbeing in mind. And, in a perfect world, regulators would craft meaningful legislation to prevent harm to children (or maybe even just enforce the legislation we have.)

But we don’t live in a perfect world, and parents still pretty much have to fend for themselves. So, I thought I’d share some strategies that you can use with your kids if you’re wondering how to help them navigate these potentially dangerous platforms. These are best practices, tips from experts and things I’ve done with my own kids. I can’t promise this will change your kids’ relationship with social media overnight, but with consistency and open conversation, you can help protect them from the worst of the dangers. Here are my best tips:

Talk to your kids about their social media use

And keep talking. Ask them how they feel about these platforms and how much time they spend on them. Ask them to explain in their own words the highs and lows they experience while scrolling and posting. This can give you a better picture of how they’re feeling—and perhaps even help them understand their own relationship to social media a little better.

And, talk to them about what they want to get out of social media platforms. Do they want to create content? Consume influencer content? Learn a new skill? Connect with a particular community online? When you have an idea of what’s motivating your kids to spend time on social media, you’re better equipped to help them navigate the terrain. Your strategy might change if your kid wants to create their own content, for example. You’d want to have different conversations about realistic expectations and the way algorithms tend to prioritize content from the extremes. And, if they’re going online to connect with other people who share their interests, you’ll want to focus on safety and sharing boundaries.

But in any case, it’s important that you agree on a game plan for what to do if kids run into danger online. If they come across something bad, they can always come to you.

Designate device-free zones in your house

Consider this the low-hanging fruit. When kids are left to their own devices (pun intended), they might end up scrolling social media into the night, which negatively affects their sleep and health. When bedrooms and dinner tables are phone-free, that can help eliminate the temptation.

Ask kids how much time they want to spend on social media

Sit down with your kids and ask them to tell you how much time, ideally they’d like to spend on social media. If they’re spending more time online than they’d like, agree on some time limits together. Just like certain rooms are device-free, maybe certain times of day can be device-free as well. Now, I haven’t found this particularly successful with my own kids, but if you think a concrete written agreement would be helpful, you can print and sign something. This template here from one of my advisors, the White Hatter, is a great jumping-off point. When you and your kids set the rules together, it can make it easier to stick to them.

Take advantage of parental controls

For younger kids especially, parental controls can be a great tool (though it’s important to know they’re not foolproof). And on platforms where parental controls aren’t as robust, ask kids to share their passwords with you. Check in regularly, and ask them to show you their DMs, their posts and their follower lists. As kids get older and they demonstrate good judgment, you can scale this kind of thing back. I’ve recently relented and allowed my daughter to join TikTok, and I’ve made use of the screen time limits tool. I explained to her that I wasn’t setting the limit because I didn’t trust her; it’s because the algorithm on that platform is scary-good at pulling you in, and even with the best intentions, it’s easy to get carried away.

Safeguard passwords for your kids

For older kids, it’s still a good idea to ask them to write down their passwords and passcodes and keep them somewhere safe (maybe their bedside table or desk drawer) in case of emergency only. Hopefully, you’ll never have to dig them out, but it’s important to have it on hand in case there’s a situation where you really need to access their accounts.

Check your own social media and device use

Kids are quick to sniff out hypocrisy, and if your scrolling habits dwarf theirs, that will make it much harder to ask them to cut back. When you model the behavior that you want to see from them, the daily device struggle become that much easier.

Ultimately, the most important recommendation is to keep the conversation open and non-judgemental. You can even go through some articles and reports on the topic together with your kids as a way to open up. It’s also crucial that kids know they can come to you if they have any concerns or problems, and they won’t do that if they’re afraid of getting in trouble.

It can feel like the deck is stacked against you sometimes, especially if you’ve been keeping an eye on the news. But you can make a difference for your kids. And until companies and regulators step up, parents will have to continue to look out for each other.

A deeper dive

Here are a few helpful resources in case you want to really dig into today's topic:

• According to data from 2023, nearly 1 in 5 teens report being on social media “almost constantly.” And, older teens are more likely to use social media platforms than younger teens. The most popular platforms are YouTube, TikTok, Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook, in that order.

• Lots of parents struggle to rein in screen time in general and social media use in particular. I liked this relatable article from a mom who tried a new approach with her teens: putting all the family’s devices in the basement and going down there whenever they needed to use them. While the strategy only lasted for a couple of days, apparently the teens started leaving their phones down there at night, and that’s definitely a win.

TL;DR

Too long; didn't read. It shouldn't be a full-time job to keep up on industry news, so here is a mercifully quick summary of some other notable developments:

• There’s been a collective push by regulators on both sides of the aisle to make the internet safer for kids. Of course, we’re all familiar with dangers like cyberbullying and predators, but one issue that hasn’t received as much attention is unregulated influencers hawking products to our children with content. This kind of danger lurks under the surface, because the content we see as adults is vastly different than what’s served to our kids. According to Emily Dreyfuss at the New York Times, “Thanks to algorithms and ad targeting, I see videos about the best lawn fertilizer and wrinkle laser masks, while Ian is being fed reviews of flavored vape pens and beautiful women livestreaming themselves gambling crypto and urging him to gamble, too.”

• What would you do if you and your child suddenly went viral? This is a scenario that happens to more parents than you’d think. Since they were never aiming to be influencers in the first place, these parents and children are thrust into the limelight without a plan for what to do next. Here’s an interesting take on sudden internet fame from some parents who’ve experienced it first-hand.

And lastly

Here are a few more pieces of original writing from me and my team—just in case you're keen for more:

• Have you heard of massively multiplayer online role-playing games? Well, you’ve probably heard about the most famous one: World of Warcraft. This platform attracts huge numbers of gamers, and my team put together a parent’s guide to explain all the different safety considerations.

• And, if you’re looking for an online game that’s a bit better suited for younger players, Roblox might be the ticket. Here’s my team’s parent’s guide for this popular platform.